1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left before we met.
11- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
12- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
13- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
15- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
16- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
17- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
19- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
20- Why do psychics have to ask your name?
21- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
22- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
23- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
24- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.