Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Feeling Depressed...It's Only Wednesday.

I was on a backpacking holiday in the Middle East.  After visiting the countries for a few weeks I was somehow feeling depressed.

So, I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call-center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....
"Joke" of the Current World Situation we are in….

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. 

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman... I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' 

If Facebook Existed Eons Ago...

What would our forefathers be saying on Facebook?...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You are next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Paraprosdokian Sentences

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 
Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 
Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 
Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 
Ø   If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 
Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 
Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 
Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 
Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 
Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 
Ø   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 
Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 
Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 
Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 
Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 
Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 
Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 
Ø   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 
Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 
Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 
Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 
Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 
Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 
Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away. 
Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 
Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 
Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 
Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 
Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 
Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? 
Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
 To save you the trouble of looking it up: 
A paraprosdokian  (from Greek meaning "beyond expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Kopitiam at Midnight.

Okay, I didn't know how to use the camera to take a shot of the amount of people hanging around at Midnight.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How Stupid Is Yahoo?

It amazes me how some companies can reply so stupidly. In this case, its Yahoo, the search engine giant who lost its brains when Google came to the scene. Yahoo reminds me of the big, stupid kid on the block who lost out to the small, nerdy kid, Google.

Anyway, recently there were claims that Yahoo's lumbering email service was hijacked by spammers who sent out Viagra emails. While spamming using forged email addresses are common and leaves no trace in your Sent mail box, this time apparently, evidence could be found in your Sent Item folder. Which leads people to believe that somehow, your account was compromised.

But get this. Read this article "Who Hijacked Yahoo Mail" and find out how educated customer support people can utter such stupendous answers when a client asks them questions about their OWN email account.

My God, no wonder Yahoo is going down the drain.

P.S. On another note, dont expect intelligent answers from Google's customer support either. Dont believe me, just try it.

Friday, September 10, 2010

US Koran Burning Ceremony Suspended

Terry Jones, pastor of the US-based Dove World Outreach Center, has reportedly suspended his plans to hold an 'International Burn a Koran Day' on 11 September. The event, the stated purpose of which was to commemorate the ninth anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the United States, was initially cancelled on 9 September following negotiations between Jones and Muslim leaders in which he was allegedly promised that a proposed Islamic centre would not be built close to New York's Ground Zero site. However, after a spokesman for the Muslim community refuted that any such deal had been struck, Jones retracted his decision to cancel the event and instead claimed that plans to hold the ceremony would be suspended. If the event does indeed go ahead as planned, it is likely to trigger significant protests in several Muslim majority countries, regions and territories, and these will likely focus on US embassies and other Western diplomatic offices. Even if the event is cancelled or deferred, its original stated purpose will likely prompt sporadic protests; Friday prayers on 10 September, which marks the end of Ramadan (Eid al-Fitr), could act as a flashpoint for such demonstrations, which may heighten anti-US and anti-Western sentiment in some Muslim-majority countries. Demonstrations may lead to localised travel disruptions and carry the potential for civil unrest. As a consequence, red24 advises travellers to avoid all protests and to minimise the time spent in the vicinity of buildings and areas associated with US interests, particularly diplomatic offices. It should be noted that religious sites are also considered potential hotspots for protests and demonstrations, and caution is advised in and around these areas. Travellers are further advised to maintain a low profile and to avoid displaying overt signs of nationality.

(taken from red24 alert)

Monday, September 06, 2010

English Kills?

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 


Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.