Saturday, February 27, 2010
Project manager bought pizza's for lunch for us. Delicious. Samir, will we get this every Saturday? :)
An interesting incident happened this morning which just goes to show how lowly paid the traffic policemen in this country are, that they blatantly abuse their power. One of our cars were stopped on the road because we were 1-minute too early in being on the road. A traffic policeman tried to force one of my colleagues out of the car and threatened to slash the car tires if he refused to come out. All the traffic policemen wanted was some money. In the end, after some heated arguments between the driver and the policemen, the driver just drove off.
Another classic example of life in Nigeria.
What do you get when you crash your still insured Ferrari?
You get a courtesy Aston Martin to drive in. Considering the duration Ferrari buyers have to wait to get their new car, I guess this guy will have to get used to his Aston Martin.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Steve."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
There are some young guys whom I work with who hasnt used a typewriter in their entire life!
I used to remember injuring my little finger on my parents old, clunky type writer. We never got the electronic version. I had to contend to changing the red-black ribbon and use blanco (or liquid paper) each time I made a mistake, which was very often.
I remember using the typewriter at the age of 6 or 7 to write novels. I thought I could write a blockbuster then. But then again, it was an age where I wanted to play for Liverpool!
Those were the days...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
ALL BUT ONE !!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.
He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.
When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, 'Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?' She nodded through her tears.. He continued on with, 'I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly.'
As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, 'Mister. ...' He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, 'Are you Jesus?'
He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: 'Are you Jesus?' Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.
If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day. You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.
At the invitation of Nils Kristiansen, Pauline and I, and Per Damsleth, the JP Kenny Norway Engineering Manager attended the Small World 2010 women’s charity event titled Sparkling Future at the British International School, Victoria Island, Lagos.
Thinking there wont be many people at the charity event, we ventured in at half past 6, only to find the longest queue in Lagos that I have ever seen. What you’re seeing is only the portion of the line in front of me. What is not shown is the line behind me. In total, there were an estimated 3000 expats and locals who attended the event.
Pictures below show the school, and the food stalls.
But the main event was the dance performance by each country. The show started at 8.35 pm and lasted until 10 pm. The best performance of the night went to the male dancers from Palestine. There were boos from the crowd when the Israel dancers took to the stage, which also resulted in a small altercation between some Israelites and Palestine's, which was quickly diffused by the security forces (first time I’m seeing an expat security force). The movie is around 8 minutes long, a composition of all the dances that was on show.
The sequence of countries dancing are as follows:
- Solo artist
- West Indies
- United States
- United Kingdom
- Sexy Girls and Hunky Man
- South Africa
The party ended with a parade of flags, but by then we were on our way to Tistles for a beer and then to YNot before calling the night at around 2 am.
If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Editor: According to my wife I could cut that time in half).
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig).
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig).
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour ( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work).
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig! Can you imagine?).
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?).
Some lions mate over 50 time s a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity).
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know).
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...).
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?).
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing).
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder what government bureaucrat was paid to figure that out?).
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that).
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too).
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer).
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?).
Monday, February 22, 2010
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The sign says: "SEX FROGS" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"
The blond nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
Take a shower.
Splash on some nice perfume.
Slip into a very sexy nightie.
Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE... MORE... TIME!"
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives".
"Hey, coola down lady," said one man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi.'"
Friday, February 19, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
President Barack Obama meets with his national security team on Afghanistan and Pakistan in the Situation Room of the White House, Feb. 17, 2010. General Stanley McChrystal, U.S. Commander in Afghanistan, was among those joining the discussion via videoconference (left screen).
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free fall parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?
That’s nothing ….THIS is COURAGE!!!
1. Create a blog entry entitled "Water Conservation Initiative".
2. Post the Water Initiative Network's Water Facts in your post.
3. List 3 things YOU will do to save water.
4. Add in the photo above, or any photo you have taken of a waterfall, river or lake.
5. End with the line: "Find out more about water conservation and good governance by joining the Water Initiative Network on Facebook!
Tag 5 or more blog/FB friends. Be sure to copy the rules, okay?
1. Of every 100 drops of water on earth, 97 are too salty to drink, 2 are locked in ice and snow, and 1 is fresh water.
2. The daily requirement for sanitation, bathing, and cooking needs, as well as for assuring survival, is about 50 litres per person.
3. Reducing shower time from 20 mins to 8 mins saves up to 360 litres of water per shower.
4. A small drip from a faucet can waste as much as 75 litres of water a day.
5. Two thirds of the water used in a home is used in the bathroom. To flush a toilet, we use up to 9 litres of water.
6. Water-efficient toilets and washing machines are good ways to save water.
7. A low-tech way to save water is to form the habit of turning on the tap to low flow and turning it off when the water is not needed.
8. Non-revenue water (i.e. stolen or wasted water) constitutes 36% of water 'used' in Selangor, Malaysia, and this raises the cost of water for everyone.
9. Water supply infrastructure cost billions of ringgit. This money could be spent in more useful ways.
10. Large areas of forests are cleared to make way for water supply dams to accommodate our soaring demand for water. These forests and their wildlife represent our natural heritage.
THREE THINGS I WILL DO TO SAVE WATER
1. I will fix the faulty taps that leak drops of water.
2. I will bath once every 2 days.
3. I will not waste my drinks.
I AM TAGGING:
no one as I am not a popular blog <poor me>
Find out more about water conservation and good governance by joining the Water Initiative Network on Facebook! Visit us AT THIS LINK.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… We'd both still be alive.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I was surprised to realize that I’ve been here for 6 weeks already today. Those on 6-week rotation left for home today for their 2-week break. Luckily they left before the heavy downpour started.
But nothing could dampen the joy of going home. Rita, Albina and Heather, your men are coming home!
And how does the rest of us feel? Just look at Gilles. Gilles, don't be too sad, I’m on 12-weeks!
As you might remember, the head of a company survived 9/11
Because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.
One of them
Missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.
Car wouldn't start.
Get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work
But before he got there, he developed
A blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today..
Now when I am
Stuck in traffic,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
All the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
This is exactly where
God wants me to be
At this very moment..
Next time your morning seems to be
The children are slow getting dressed,
You can't seem to find the car keys,
You hit every traffic light,
Don't get mad or frustrated;
It May be just that
God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you
With all those annoying little things
And may you remember their possible purpose.
Friday, February 12, 2010
What do you do when you lend a friend some money and then he conveniently forgets to pay you back. You keep quiet thinking he doesn't have much and he'll pay when he has some money left over. After all, he is a very nice guy.
But then you find out that he's going back home for his 2-week contractual break and wants to change 120,000 Naira into British pounds.
What do you do?
I guess this is one way to lose one's hard earned credibility.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
"Set higher standards for you own performance than anyone around you, and it won't matter whether you have a tough boss or an easy one. It won't matter whether the competition is pushing you hard, because you'll be competing with yourself."
-- Rick Pitino
Monday, February 08, 2010
To Those of You Born
1927 – 1979
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1940's, 50's, 60's , 70's and 80's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while
they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby
cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon.. We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside, playing...that 's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them?
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to
grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated
so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were..
The Princess Bride
The ROUSes were played by midgets. The actor who played the giant rat that Westley battles was actually pulled over for speeding and arrested (why he was arrested for speeding was never clarified) the day the scene was scheduled to be shot, so the scene was delayed until Rob Reiner and co. could go and bail him out of jail.
Indian Jones – The Last Crusade (1989)
The thousands of rats used in The Last Crusade was insured. The insurer wanted to know the minimum number of rats the scene could be shot with, and used the answer to write a policy with a “1,000 rat deductible.” The cast was padded with another thousand mechanical rats. Their voices were enhanced with the sound affects of … chicken voices.
Watching this picture reminded me of how I used to want this type of life style in my previous job, which actually allowed me to travel quite a bit. Although I never reached such high levels as Ryan in this movie, I know of people who did. Overall, this is a very nice picture. Loved it.
With the exception of the famous actors, every person we see fired in the film is not an actor but a real life recently laid off person. The filmmakers put out ads in St. Louis and Detroit posing as a documentary crew looking to document the effect of the recession. When people showed up, they were instructed to treat the camera like the person who fired them and respond as they did or use the opportunity to say what they wished they had.
Jason Reitman began writing the screenplay in 2002 when the economy was booming and planned to make it as his first feature. The opportunity to make Thank You for Smoking (2005) and Juno (2007) presented themselves and he put this off until this year, meanwhile America plummeted into an economic recession. He said the film/s tone changed completely in response to the real world crisis and works much better now as a topical piece than it would have a decade ago, the delays in its realization being fortuitous.
There are no special privileges awarded by American Airlines for reaching 10 million miles as depicted in the movie – this was a case of artistic license by the filmmakers. However, American Airlines (like almost all major airlines with frequent flier programs) does offer special status for reaching 1 million miles. As of 2009, it is estimated that about 400,000 frequent fliers worldwide have reached this plateau in at least one airline’s program. In addition, many airlines – American included – have special invitation-only programs for most of their valued customers, usually CEO’s who can direct a lot of revenue their way. Perks include faster check-in, escorts to make close connections, and in rare cases, free private flights to replace canceled ones.
While at Lambert Field in St. Louis, Ryan tries to make an impassioned speech to Natalie about Charles Lindbergh’s plan The Spirit of St. Louis. Officially, Lindbergh’s plane was a Ryan NYP (New York to Paris) so the two share the same name.
If you look closely, you can see a jar of American Airlines Premium Snack Mix on top of Ryan Bingham’s apartment refrigerator.
The card that Alex (Vera Farmiga) is so impressed by (that Ryan Bingham has) is the American Airlines invitation-only Concierge Key. After the film was completed, Jason Reitman was invited into the program. Started in 2007, it helps members arrange for reservation changes, upgrades, and even airport meetings. It is sent to selected customers, and since it is not advertised, some travelers consider it a rumour.
Vera Farmiga used a body double for her scene. In an interview, she stated that she had no problems being naked in a film but she had recently given birth and “The breast milk running down would have been inappropriate.”
Ellen Page and Emily Blunt were considered to play Natalie. The role of Natalie Keener was written with Anna Kendrick in mind after Jason Reitman saw her in Rocket Science (2007).
When the character Bob, played by J. K. Simmons, showed Ryan a photo of his two children, it is a photo of Simmon’s real children.
Natalie wears a business suit in every scene in the film. Even at the party she is wearing a suit with the coat off, the shirt untucked and her hair down.