Monday, October 31, 2011
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Sunday, October 30, 2011
In 16 hours time, the 7th billion person will be born in this planet.
We reached 6 billion people on July 22, 1999. And now, 12 years later, we're adding the 1 billionth person since then.
The 8th billion person is expected to be born in the year 2027 and the 9th billion in 2046.
We're adding 75 million people a year or 1.12% growth.
Heat map below shows where the most populous growth of people are.
Check out the live numbers as it happens at World Population Meter.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat… Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says… “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs…
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion after a dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"
Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak....
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
Monday, October 17, 2011
Supertall building experts Adrian Smith + Gordon Gill are to complete the design for a stunning new tower to anchor the proposed $20bn Kingdom City masterplanning project in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. The firm carefully quashed internet rumours that they were working on a 'mile-high' tower, yet did not deny involvement in the Kingdom Tower scheme. This morning His Royal Highness Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Bin Abdulaziz Alsaud, nephew of Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah and chairman of Kingdom Holding Company officially announced AS+GG as design architects of the project to awaiting media.
Reassuringly elegant for a tower of such epic proportions the completed Kingdom Tower will soar at over 1000m (at least 173m taller than the Burj Khalifa which currently holds the title of the world's tallest building) with a total construction area of 530,000 sq m the structure is being touted as a new marker of Jeddah's importance as a gateway to the city of Mecca and has been directly inspired by the folded fronds of a young desert plant. Adrian Smith details: With its slender, subtly asymmetrical massing, the tower evokes a bundle of leaves shooting up from the ground a burst of new life that heralds more growth all around it.
Smith's partner Gordon Gill continues: The way the fronds sprout upward from the ground as a single form, then start separating from each other at the top, is an analogy of the new growth fused with technology. The graceful needle is also designed to symbolise the city of Jeddah as an economic power and cultural leader, with a focus on the 'strength and creative vision of its people'.
Aside from the initial 'wow-factor' of the building's statistics, AS+GG have been applauded for their sensitive design aesthetic. Talal Al Maiman, Executive Director, Development and Domestic Investments, a Board member of Kingdom Holding Company and a board member of JEC commented: Prince Alwaleed, Mr. Bakhsh, Mr. Sharbatly and I were impressed by the boldness and simplicity of the AS+GG design. Kingdom Tower's height is remarkable, obviously, but the building's iconic status will not depend solely on that aspect. Its form is brilliantly sculpted, making it quite simply one of the most beautiful buildings in the world of any height.
Encased in the new spire's glimmering façade will be a Four Seasons hotel, Four Seasons serviced apartments, Class A office Space, luxury condominiums and the world's highest observatory. 59 elevators using the world's most high-tech systems will be installed to provide ease of access, with 54 single-deck and 5 double-deck systems. The residential aspect has influenced the three-petal footprint of the design with tapering wings introducing an aerodynamic shape to reduce structural loading due to wind vortex shedding. All three sides of the Kingdom Tower sport a series of notches which form specifically engineered areas of shadow designed to fall on the outdoor terraces facing the city and Red Sea.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 03, 2011
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Saturday, October 01, 2011
1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.”
4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ...”
5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.”
6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”
9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”
10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.”