Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Chess @ Work



Finally some chess games at work during lunch hour. Company sponsored the chess sets. But due to project demands, not everyone can make it to the weekly affair.

Observe the chess board. This is leadership in action when the King leaves the Castle behind to guard the castle (no pun intended) while he gallantly defends his territory!


A Wife's Dilemma...



 

Monday, March 28, 2011

What Goes Around, Comes Around.

His name was Fleming, and  he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while  trying to make a living for his family, he heard  a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He  dropped his tools and ran to the  bog.

There, mired to his waist in black  muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and  struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved  the lad from what could have been a slow and  terrifying death.

The next  day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the  Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly  dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced  himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming  had saved.

'I want to repay  you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's  life.'

'No, I can't accept  payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer  replied waving off the offer. At that moment,  the farmer's own son came to the door of the  family hovel.

'Is that your  son?' the nobleman  asked.

'Yes,' the farmer  replied proudly.

'I'll make  you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of  education my own son will enjoy If the lad is  anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to  be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he  did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the  very best schools and in time, graduated from  St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London,  and went on to become known throughout the world  as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the  discoverer of  Penicillin.

Years afterward,  the same nobleman's son who was saved from the  bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What  saved his life this time?  Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman?  Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's  name?

Sir Winston  Churchill.

Someone once said: What  goes around comes around.


How Are You Feeling?

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Life’s Big Conundrums

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left before we met.

11- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

14- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

16- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

17- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

19- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

20- Why do psychics have to ask your name?

21- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

22- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

23- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

24- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Funny...




 

A Ticket for Wasting Food!

Germany is a highly industrialized country. It produces top brands like Benz, BMW, Simons etc. The nuclear reactor pump is made in a small town in this country. In such a country, many will think its people leads a luxurious life. At least that was my impression before my study trip.

When I arrived at Hamburg , my colleagues who work in Hamburg arranged a welcome party for me in a restaurant. As we walked into the restaurant, we noticed that a lot of tables were empty. There was a table where a young couple was having their meal. There were only two dishes and two cans of beer on the table. I wondered if such simple meal could be romantic, and whether the girl will leave this stingy guy.

There were a few old ladies on another table. When a dish is served, the waiter would distribute the food for them, and they would finish every bit of the food on their plates.

We did not pay much attention to them, as we were looking forward to the dishes we ordered. As we were hungry, our local colleague ordered more food for us.

As the restaurant was quiet, the food came quite fast. Since there were other activities arranged for us, we did not spend much time dining. When we left, there were still about one third of unconsumed food on the table.

When we were leaving the restaurant, we heard someone calling us. We noticed the old ladies in the restaurant were talking about us to the restaurant owner. When they spoke to us in English, we understood that they were unhappy about us wasting so much food. We immediately felt that they were really being too busybody.

"We paid for our food, it is none of your business how much food we left behind," my colleague Gui told the old ladies.

The old ladies were furious. One of them immediately took her hand phone out and made a call to someone. After a while, a man in uniform claimed to be an officer from the Social Security organization arrived. Upon knowing what the dispute was, he issued us a 50 Mark
fine.

We all kept quiet. The local colleague took out a 50 Mark note and repeatedly apologized to the officer.

The officer told us in a stern voice, "ORDER WHAT YOU CAN CONSUME, MONEY IS YOURS BUT RESOURCES BELONG TO THE SOCIETY. THERE ARE MANY OTHERS IN THE WORLD WHO ARE FACING SHORTAGE OF RESOURCES. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO WASTE RESOURCES."

Our face turned red. We all agreed with him in our hearts. The mindset of people of this rich country put all of us to shame. WE REALLY NEED TO REFLECT ON THIS. We are from a country which is not very rich in resources.

To save face, we order large quantity and also waste food when we give others a treat. THIS LESSON TAUGHT US A LESSON TO THINK SERIOUSLY ABOUT CHANGING OUR BAD HABITS.

My colleague photostatted the fine ticket and gave a copy to each of us as a souvenir. All of us kept it and pasted on our wall to remind us that we shall never be wasteful.


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hitmen

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee, a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured "sure, why not," as they haven't played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

The stranger said "No really, I'm hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don't believe me, I've never been dishonest."

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?"  "Sure," said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said "HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too! And he's in my room!"

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He's looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for.

The hitman replies kind of anxiously, "Just hold on a minute... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Marriage...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

 


The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!


If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Batman, what's For Dinner?

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.  

After a few days, they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long." 

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."  

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

Friday, March 18, 2011

A Lighter Side of Life...

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair
before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there
with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all
of us had to do our own thinking."

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Pay Attention

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.

“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.  “Now do the same,” he instructs. 

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it. 

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”

How To Escape a Speeding Ticket

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Friday, March 11, 2011

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...
" I am having such a wonderful time!  Wish you were her "
 
The trial begins on Monday.


Early to Work



It's good to be early to work.

I went for being constantly late to work at my old workplace to being on time, always, at my new workplace to being early to work, as in an hour earlier than the rest, only to find 2 managers busy at work already.

I find myself more productive during the early hours in the morning or late hours in evening when everyone has yet to come in or has left for the day. Less chatter simple means more productivity, unless of course I have my headphones plugged in, then its more bearable.

Work well people.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What Are You Willing to Give Up?

Yesterday during Mass, Father Aloysious Leong of the Holy Family Catholic Church here in Como, told us of an incident where he was asking a class of young children about giving up something they liked doing during the season of Lent.

The purpose of giving up an indulgence was to instill in us the feeling of not having something we cherish, in the hope we will think of the unfortunate people around us.

And children, being children, had lots of things to say but the icing on the cake was a 5-year old boy who said, "Father, I like going to school. Can I give up going to school for the next 40 days?"

Father went home.


IE6: Are You One Of Them?



Are you one of the few remaining users of Microsoft's Internet 6 (IE6)?

Microsoft, in its endeavour to move users to Win7, is phasing out the age old, bug infested IE6. They even went to the extent of putting up an interactive website showing the remaining users of IE6 and their location, country wise. China heads the list with 36%.

Are you one of them?

If you are, download Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome. Its much better, safer and faster!


Wednesday, March 09, 2011

5-Minutes Management Lessons

Management Course 

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
 
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
 
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor
 
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
 
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves..
 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
 
'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
 
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
 
The priest nearly had an accident.

After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
 
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
 
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
 
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
 
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
 
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
 
Puff! She's gone.
 
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
 
Puff! He's gone.
 
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
 
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
 
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
 
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
 
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
 
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
 
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
 
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch
 
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
 
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 
 
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
 
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him..
 
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
 
The dung was actually thawing him out!
 
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
 
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
 
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Monday, March 07, 2011

Never Ask a Pharmacists for ...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her botfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about sex and condoms.

At the counter the pharmacist asked how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack."Im really going to give it to this girl" the boy tells the pharmacist."I intend on going for hours" The pharmacist,with a laugh, suggests the family pack,saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the gikrls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door."I am so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in" The boy goes inside and is takento the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still in deep prayer.10 minutes pass with no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and wispers to the boyfriend "I had no idea you were so religious" to which he replied" I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!!"


Thursday, March 03, 2011