Friday, March 26, 2010
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
Thursday, March 25, 2010
While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the........................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.....................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ...................... looks dirty.
7. No news is ..........................impossible
8. A miss is as good as a .............................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ........... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ..................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ................................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's .................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ................you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .................. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ........... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........ see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................ get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than ..................................pregnant
Monday, March 22, 2010
When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.
On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad.
I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!
When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"
You know, life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.
What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband- wife or parent-child or friendship!
"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."
God Bless You..... Now, and Always...
So Please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burnt one will do just fine!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly..
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!'
Moral of the Story: Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
My only advantage over him is that I can type faster than he can.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
The hotel has just been fumigated and the fumes will linger on for several days. Tonight will be the worst!
Not only does the fumigation kill bugs and insects, I am pretty sure it has killed a human being or so.
There is a medical distinction. We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You are next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will have finished by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.