Worked from 10 am to 3pm today because its Environmental Saturday and the roads are closed to traffic from 7-10am.
Project manager bought pizza's for lunch for us. Delicious. Samir, will we get this every Saturday? :)
An interesting incident happened this morning which just goes to show how lowly paid the traffic policemen in this country are, that they blatantly abuse their power. One of our cars were stopped on the road because we were 1-minute too early in being on the road. A traffic policeman tried to force one of my colleagues out of the car and threatened to slash the car tires if he refused to come out. All the traffic policemen wanted was some money. In the end, after some heated arguments between the driver and the policemen, the driver just drove off.
Another classic example of life in Nigeria.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
What Do You Get When You Crash Your Ferrari?
What do you get when you crash your still insured Ferrari?
You get a courtesy Aston Martin to drive in. Considering the duration Ferrari buyers have to wait to get their new car, I guess this guy will have to get used to his Aston Martin.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
A 3-year old in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Steve."
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Steve."
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
When Was The Last Time You Used These?
There are some young guys whom I work with who hasnt used a typewriter in their entire life!
I used to remember injuring my little finger on my parents old, clunky type writer. We never got the electronic version. I had to contend to changing the red-black ribbon and use blanco (or liquid paper) each time I made a mistake, which was very often.
I remember using the typewriter at the age of 6 or 7 to write novels. I thought I could write a blockbuster then. But then again, it was an age where I wanted to play for Liverpool!
Those were the days...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What is Excellent Customer Service?
I spied on this sign last Saturday night at the Tistle bar:
Excellent customer service is like,
making love to a Gorilla.
You dont stop when you're satisfied,
You stop only when the Gorilla is satisfied.
Excuse me, are you Jesus?
A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago . They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding.
ALL BUT ONE !!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.
He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.
When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, 'Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?' She nodded through her tears.. He continued on with, 'I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly.'
As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, 'Mister. ...' He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, 'Are you Jesus?'
He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: 'Are you Jesus?' Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.
If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day. You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.
ALL BUT ONE !!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.
He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.
When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, 'Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?' She nodded through her tears.. He continued on with, 'I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly.'
As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, 'Mister. ...' He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, 'Are you Jesus?'
He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: 'Are you Jesus?' Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.
If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day. You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.
Do You Become What You Think About Most of the Time?
If that is true, then most young men will become young women by the time they're 20.
Small World 2010 – Sparkling Future
At the invitation of Nils Kristiansen, Pauline and I, and Per Damsleth, the JP Kenny Norway Engineering Manager attended the Small World 2010 women’s charity event titled Sparkling Future at the British International School, Victoria Island, Lagos.
Thinking there wont be many people at the charity event, we ventured in at half past 6, only to find the longest queue in Lagos that I have ever seen. What you’re seeing is only the portion of the line in front of me. What is not shown is the line behind me. In total, there were an estimated 3000 expats and locals who attended the event.
Pictures below show the school, and the food stalls.
But the main event was the dance performance by each country. The show started at 8.35 pm and lasted until 10 pm. The best performance of the night went to the male dancers from Palestine. There were boos from the crowd when the Israel dancers took to the stage, which also resulted in a small altercation between some Israelites and Palestine's, which was quickly diffused by the security forces (first time I’m seeing an expat security force). The movie is around 8 minutes long, a composition of all the dances that was on show.
The sequence of countries dancing are as follows:
- Solo artist
- Emcee
- Nigeria
- Philippines
- Israel
- West Indies
- Thailand
- Russia
- Germany
- India
- Nigeria
- Palestine
- France
- United States
- United Kingdom
- Sexy Girls and Hunky Man
- Lebanon
- South Africa
Small World 2010 - Sparkling Future
The party ended with a parade of flags, but by then we were on our way to Tistles for a beer and then to YNot before calling the night at around 2 am.
You don't say...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it).
If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Editor: According to my wife I could cut that time in half).
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig).
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig).
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour ( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work).
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig! Can you imagine?).
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?).
Some lions mate over 50 time s a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity).
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know).
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...).
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?).
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing).
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder what government bureaucrat was paid to figure that out?).
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that).
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too).
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer).
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?).
If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Editor: According to my wife I could cut that time in half).
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig).
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig).
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour ( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work).
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig! Can you imagine?).
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?).
Some lions mate over 50 time s a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity).
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know).
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...).
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?).
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing).
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder what government bureaucrat was paid to figure that out?).
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that).
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too).
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer).
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?).
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Sex Frogs
A stunningly beautiful blond goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says: "SEX FROGS" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"
The blond nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
Take a shower.
Splash on some nice perfume.
Slip into a very sexy nightie.
Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE... MORE... TIME!"
The sign says: "SEX FROGS" Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"
The blond nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
Take a shower.
Splash on some nice perfume.
Slip into a very sexy nightie.
Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blond is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blond welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE... MORE... TIME!"
And Then The Fight Started, Part II
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home..I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started...
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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Two Italian Men Talking
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation, as Italians do.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives".
"Hey, coola down lady," said one man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi.'"
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives".
"Hey, coola down lady," said one man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi.'"
Friday, February 19, 2010
Rebuilding...
"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal."
- Napoleon Hill
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Obama in Action
President Barack Obama meets with his national security team on Afghanistan and Pakistan in the Situation Room of the White House, Feb. 17, 2010. General Stanley McChrystal, U.S. Commander in Afghanistan, was among those joining the discussion via videoconference (left screen).
Who do you trust?
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
What is Courage?
What is the meaning of courage?
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free fall parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?
That’s nothing ….THIS is COURAGE!!!
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free fall parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective ferris wheel?
That’s nothing ….THIS is COURAGE!!!
Water Conservation Initiative
Water is precious, yet it is being wasted or poorly managed. You can help promote water conservation by sending on this meme. If you do, simply follow these rules:
1. Create a blog entry entitled "Water Conservation Initiative".
2. Post the Water Initiative Network's Water Facts in your post.
3. List 3 things YOU will do to save water.
4. Add in the photo above, or any photo you have taken of a waterfall, river or lake.
5. End with the line: "Find out more about water conservation and good governance by joining the Water Initiative Network on Facebook!
Tag 5 or more blog/FB friends. Be sure to copy the rules, okay?
WATER FACTS
1. Of every 100 drops of water on earth, 97 are too salty to drink, 2 are locked in ice and snow, and 1 is fresh water.
2. The daily requirement for sanitation, bathing, and cooking needs, as well as for assuring survival, is about 50 litres per person.
3. Reducing shower time from 20 mins to 8 mins saves up to 360 litres of water per shower.
4. A small drip from a faucet can waste as much as 75 litres of water a day.
5. Two thirds of the water used in a home is used in the bathroom. To flush a toilet, we use up to 9 litres of water.
6. Water-efficient toilets and washing machines are good ways to save water.
7. A low-tech way to save water is to form the habit of turning on the tap to low flow and turning it off when the water is not needed.
8. Non-revenue water (i.e. stolen or wasted water) constitutes 36% of water 'used' in Selangor, Malaysia, and this raises the cost of water for everyone.
9. Water supply infrastructure cost billions of ringgit. This money could be spent in more useful ways.
10. Large areas of forests are cleared to make way for water supply dams to accommodate our soaring demand for water. These forests and their wildlife represent our natural heritage.
THREE THINGS I WILL DO TO SAVE WATER
1. I will fix the faulty taps that leak drops of water.
2. I will bath once every 2 days.
3. I will not waste my drinks.
I AM TAGGING:
no one as I am not a popular blog <poor me>
Find out more about water conservation and good governance by joining the Water Initiative Network on Facebook! Visit us AT THIS LINK.
1. Create a blog entry entitled "Water Conservation Initiative".
2. Post the Water Initiative Network's Water Facts in your post.
3. List 3 things YOU will do to save water.
4. Add in the photo above, or any photo you have taken of a waterfall, river or lake.
5. End with the line: "Find out more about water conservation and good governance by joining the Water Initiative Network on Facebook!
Tag 5 or more blog/FB friends. Be sure to copy the rules, okay?
WATER FACTS
1. Of every 100 drops of water on earth, 97 are too salty to drink, 2 are locked in ice and snow, and 1 is fresh water.
2. The daily requirement for sanitation, bathing, and cooking needs, as well as for assuring survival, is about 50 litres per person.
3. Reducing shower time from 20 mins to 8 mins saves up to 360 litres of water per shower.
4. A small drip from a faucet can waste as much as 75 litres of water a day.
5. Two thirds of the water used in a home is used in the bathroom. To flush a toilet, we use up to 9 litres of water.
6. Water-efficient toilets and washing machines are good ways to save water.
7. A low-tech way to save water is to form the habit of turning on the tap to low flow and turning it off when the water is not needed.
8. Non-revenue water (i.e. stolen or wasted water) constitutes 36% of water 'used' in Selangor, Malaysia, and this raises the cost of water for everyone.
9. Water supply infrastructure cost billions of ringgit. This money could be spent in more useful ways.
10. Large areas of forests are cleared to make way for water supply dams to accommodate our soaring demand for water. These forests and their wildlife represent our natural heritage.
THREE THINGS I WILL DO TO SAVE WATER
1. I will fix the faulty taps that leak drops of water.
2. I will bath once every 2 days.
3. I will not waste my drinks.
I AM TAGGING:
no one as I am not a popular blog <poor me>
Find out more about water conservation and good governance by joining the Water Initiative Network on Facebook! Visit us AT THIS LINK.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
How Did You Die?
1st woman: Hi Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… We'd both still be alive.
2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… We'd both still be alive.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
How Did The Fight Go?
For all those guys who are King... until their wife gets home.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, " Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman. "
" Oh yeah? " said Charlie. " And how did this one end? "
" When it was over, " Mike replied, " she came to me on her hands and knees. "
" Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say? "
She said, " Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit. "
Men and Brains.
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that their brains could also be important...
The Boys Are Going Home
I was surprised to realize that I’ve been here for 6 weeks already today. Those on 6-week rotation left for home today for their 2-week break. Luckily they left before the heavy downpour started.
But nothing could dampen the joy of going home. Rita, Albina and Heather, your men are coming home!
And how does the rest of us feel? Just look at Gilles. Gilles, don't be too sad, I’m on 12-weeks!
The Little Things
~The ' L I T T L E ' Things~
As you might remember, the head of a company survived 9/11
Because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.
One of them
Missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.
One's
Car wouldn't start.
One couldn't
Get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work
But before he got there, he developed
A blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today..
Now when I am
Stuck in traffic,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
All the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
This is exactly where
God wants me to be
At this very moment..
Next time your morning seems to be
Going wrong,
The children are slow getting dressed,
You can't seem to find the car keys,
You hit every traffic light,
Don't get mad or frustrated;
It May be just that
God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you
With all those annoying little things
And may you remember their possible purpose.
As you might remember, the head of a company survived 9/11
Because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.
One of them
Missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.
One's
Car wouldn't start.
One couldn't
Get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work
But before he got there, he developed
A blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today..
Now when I am
Stuck in traffic,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
All the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
This is exactly where
God wants me to be
At this very moment..
Next time your morning seems to be
Going wrong,
The children are slow getting dressed,
You can't seem to find the car keys,
You hit every traffic light,
Don't get mad or frustrated;
It May be just that
God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you
With all those annoying little things
And may you remember their possible purpose.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Good Faith or Miser?
What do you do when you lend a friend some money and then he conveniently forgets to pay you back. You keep quiet thinking he doesn't have much and he'll pay when he has some money left over. After all, he is a very nice guy.
But then you find out that he's going back home for his 2-week contractual break and wants to change 120,000 Naira into British pounds.
What do you do?
I guess this is one way to lose one's hard earned credibility.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Moral of the Day
MORAL FOR TODAY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW .......
Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW .......
Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Set High Standards
"Set higher standards for you own performance than anyone around you, and it won't matter whether you have a tough boss or an easy one. It won't matter whether the competition is pushing you hard, because you'll be competing with yourself."
-- Rick Pitino
Monday, February 08, 2010
1927 - 1979
To Those of You Born
1927 – 1979
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1940's, 50's, 60's , 70's and 80's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while
they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby
cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon.. We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside, playing...that 's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them?
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to
grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated
so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were..
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