Tuesday, July 03, 2007

New Company Policy

Company Policy: Effective from July 2007

Dress Code
*       It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
*       If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer  clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
*       If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
*       We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
*       Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use
*       Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
*       At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
*       After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offender's category.
*       Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
*       Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
*       Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
*       Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

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