Humor: Steve Wright-isms

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind  tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us. Here are some of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.


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Be kind to yourself and to someone else, and have a wonder-FULL week!