Saturday, August 28, 2010
Mothers...
At the age of 4: Mom knows everything!
At 8: Mom knows a lot!
At 12: Mom doesn't know everything.
At 14: Mom doesn't know anything.
At 16: Mom doesn't exist.
At 18: Mom's old fashioned.
At 25: Maybe Mom does know about this!
At 35: Before we decide, let's ask Mom!
At 45: I wonder ...what...... Mom thinks about this?
At 75: I...wish I could ask my Mom.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Effciency?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Are You an England Supporter?
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
- John Bishop
- John Bishop
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Wedding Bells Humour
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Joke: How To Improve Your Child's Maths.
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying..
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card... He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying..
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card... He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Tag, you're it!
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just must see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.
When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe this eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.
After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that what ever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.
He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man is getting used to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.
Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.
The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the mans horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone.
He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.
The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla.
The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says:
"Tag, you're it".
When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe this eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.
After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that what ever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.
He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man is getting used to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.
Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.
The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the mans horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone.
He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.
The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla.
The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says:
"Tag, you're it".
Monday, August 16, 2010
ATM....One up-manship....
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemans'Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a
minute.....then the banker in me took over... I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and ran for the door.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a
minute.....then the banker in me took over... I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and ran for the door.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Gotcha
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter,a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Baskin Robbins Anyone?
Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun.
A Mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the Mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
A Mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?"
To which the Mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
Friday, August 13, 2010
Insults with class...
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow.
Clarence Seward Darrow (April 18, 1857 – March 13, 1938) was an American lawyer and leading member of the American Civil Liberties Union, best known for defending teenage thrill killers Leopold and Loeb in their trial for murdering 14-year-old Bobby Franks (1924) and defending John T. Scopes in the Scopes Trial (1925), in which he opposed William Jennings Bryan (statesman, noted orator, and three time presidential candidate for the Democratic Party). Called a "sophisticated country lawyer", he remains notable for his wit and agnosticism that marked him as one of the most famous American lawyers and civil libertarians.- Clarence Darrow.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar White
Oscar White Muscarella (b. 1931 in New York) is a US archaeologist and former curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. His specialty is the antique art and archeology of the Near East. Muscarella is an untiring opponent of robbery excavations, and some regard him as the "conscience of the industry". Dr. Muscarella received his Ph.D. from the University of Pennsylvania in 1965.- Oscar White
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope its nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb (June 23, 1876 – March 11, 1944) was an American author, humorist, and columnist who lived in New York and authored more than 60 books and 300 short stories. - Irvin S. Cobb
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Joke: Rich Malaysian in Berlin
A rich Malaysian kid went to study in Germany.
A month later, he told his dad.
"Berlin is wonderful. People are nice and I really like it here. But I am bit ashamed to arrive to school in my Gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Three weeks later he received a fat cheque from his dad with a note,
"Stop embarrassing us! Get yourself a train too!"
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
How to get your car dealer to fix your new, problematic car!
PETALING JAYA: How far will you go to get your car fixed? In these day of light-speed emails, instant messages and cellphones, an irate car-owner decided to adopt an old-school method of seeking redress — by placing stickers all over his problematic car.
And the message on the stickers read: "My Honda Tak Guna" (My Useless Honda).
To make sure he got the full attention of the car manufacturer, this sticker-adorned vehicle was parked outside the Honda Malaysia sales and service office here in Section 13 — much to the amusement of many pedestrians and motorists.
As to why he had resorted to such measures, events executive Jess Ross said his car brakes kept failing despite several repairs.
"Three months after buying the car, the rear brakes started giving way.After having these replaced by Honda, the same problem occurred three months later with the brakes giving way in the middle of the road.
"Luckily, I wasn't hit by another car when it happened."
After sending the 15-month old car to the Honda authorised service centre, Sumber Auto, Ross claimed to have been told the car had its front brake callipers fitted wrongly during the original assembly.
Even after the brake calipers were rectified, Jess' woes continued with the calamitous Honda Accord he bought for about RM140,000.
Three months later, after getting his disc brake pads replaced for the second time, his Honda Accord started juddering again.
This time Honda mentioned the brake discs needed to be skimmed.
"On June 20 , there was a screeching sound from my front wheels and the car started juddering again. This time, I decided enough was enough. The car was towed to the Honda service centre for a fourth check on this particular screeching issue."
Claiming manufacturing defects, Ross said: "My demands are simple, firstly I want Honda to fully rectify the problems on my car and include a manufacturer's guarantee that such defects will not recur.
"Secondly, Honda could replace my car with another guaranteed problem-free unit. If all else fails, I want Honda to buy back the car at the purchase price.
"Honestly, I am still open to negotiations and a win-win situation I feel, is the best for both parties," he said, stressing he has no plans to remove the eye-catching stickers from his car.
A Honda Malaysia representative said the company remained committed to inspecting, servicing and repairing the problematic vehicle.
"The company would like to assure Ross the affected vehicle will be serviced and repaired to his satisfaction." Still unhappy with this response, Ross asked: "Why is it Honda Malaysia can't guarantee their parts, which serve a basic function of braking, to function properly?
"Is it too much to ask for a guarantee for their supposedly original parts which they recommended we use?"
Source: http://www.mmail.com.my/content/43347-owner-faces-ceaseless-brake-issues-honda-car-no-resolution
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Monday, August 02, 2010
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Lunch Time in Lagos
Does Jack really live here? This is Pat's bar where we go for lunch once or twice a week or 5 times per week because we ran out of interesting places to eat.
Last picture is of us, minus the camera man, waiting for our ride to pick us up back to the office. Just look at the traffic in the background.
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