Paddy's Birthday

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

 

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

 

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boatand nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

 

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

 

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya f@@kin idiot!"

 

 

Bon Voyage Ruth

It's about time you followed your destiny and be appreciated by your peers.

You've always been one of the brightest and Malaysia loses one more fine engineer. It's their loss they didnt appreciate you.

Good luck my dear. May the Force be with you.

Screw Him, Give Him a Dollar

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Humour

Basic, all-purpose diet for long life and good health:
If it tastes good, spit it out.

An Oil Rig off Cottesloe Beach?

Recently I was sent for a course in subsea technology at UWA and as part of our project, we were supposed to design a subsea production system for the abandoned Nexus oilfield off the coast of Rottnest Island.

In Western Australia, the environmentalist and the public has a very strong say in offshore drilling operations. While the public seems ignorant to the fact that all oil and gas comes from offshore, they insist on un-interruptable supply of oil and gas anyway.

So to satisfy the people and the government and all the grumpy people out there, my team opted for a subsea pipeline from the field to Freemantle and off to the Kwinana Refinary. Other teams in the project opted for the FPSO route, afraid of the public backlash and scrutiny if they brought in a pipeline to shore.

All these while we were told that the general public in Perth despises seeing an oil rig on the horizon because they don't want their view of the ocean spoilt but lo and behold, a rig's out there.

Their coming......  as whispered by Kevin Mullen.

P.S. Shaky video due to the strong winds trying to snatch my tiny Sony camera from my hands.

P.S. If you're still reading this, then check out the same picture of the rig, taken with a 400mm zoom lense, right from Cottesloe Beach.

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?hl=en&gbv=2&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=7141l13031l0l14797l13l11l0l0l0l0l1594l1594l8-1l1l0&q=cache:ahEyntEsY3MJ:http://www.ausphotography.net.au/forum/showthread.php?95188-Oil-Rig-Stena-Clyde+%22stena+clyde%22&ct=clnk

I really need a new camera!

Senior Moments

At 60 years of age, Joey married Suzie, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Suzie decides that after their wedding she and Joey should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Susie prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Joey, her 60 year old groom, ready for action..

They unite as one.
All goes well, Joey takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Suzie hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Joey.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Susie consents for more coupling..
When the newlyweds are done, Joey kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it...... Joey is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Joey gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Joey.'

Joey, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Suzie and says,
'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

Humour

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

George Carlin's Reflections on Life

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
 
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
 
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
 
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
 
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
 
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
 
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
 
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
 
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
 
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
 
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
 
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
 
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
 
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

 

Humour

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

Solution to America's Problem that Obama Can Use

This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.
This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX Nov 18, 2010 

Put me in charge . . .

Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good.."

Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

AND While you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

A Tale of Two Brains

The simple difference between the male and female brain.

Humour

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Husband Takes Pregnancy Pain from Wife...

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more."

So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "Why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing", but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared."

The husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain-free labor. When they got home the couple was suprized to see the mailman dead on the front porch!