Over the Board

Playing chess on the Internet is totally different from playing chess over the board. When playing on the Internet, no one cares how you're dressed or what exactly you're doing behind the keyboard or who you really are.

But playing over the board is a whole new experience for me. Just this year, I started playing chess in Perth and it was an eye opener. I first started out playing without the clock, so my opponent and I made fast moves and just like playing over the Internet, I was able to beat him.

And then I enrolled in my first tournament. And lo and behold, my first opponent was someone I had beaten in the previous week. I was confident. In a rated chess game, each player had 90 minutes or one and a half hours to make his move. So in total, the game could go up to 3 hours.

Like I said, I was confident. The game started well, and I had a good setup. But playing with a clock was different for me. My opponent had lots of time to ponder about his next move and that idle time made me restless and I started to play some risky moves. Which, on hind-sight, was the stupidest thing to do since these are all seasoned chess exponents. After a hard fought middle game battle where my Bishops dove to the rescue of my Knights and his Castles came in for support, my opponent ended with a pawn advantage which he held on for dear life. I tried to win back the pawn in the next 30 moves but alas, my worth opponent held on to it and was headed for a Queen. I had to resign. I didn't need any more harassing from a lady on the board.

I lost the next game too because of impatience. But managed to win the next two games because I have reined in my enthusiasm and I now try very hard to focus the entire 90 minutes on all the possible variations I, and my worth opponent, can make.

Another 3 more rounds await me in my first chess tournament.

Diabetic Plant?

My wife puts sugar for my flowers. No wonder my plants have diabetes!

Work Place Humour

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

 

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

 

 

 

 

Speed Chess

How's this for speed chess?

AirAsia moves HQ from KL to Jakarta

In a surprising move, AirAsia has moved the Headquarters from Kuala Lumpur to Jakarta. With their group chief, Tony Fernandes even reportedly having bought a house in Jakarta.

I guess Mr. Fernandes finally got fed-up with the treatment he and his company gets from Malaysia Airlines and Malaysian Airports. After all, for most passengers flying into Malaysia via LCCT, the airport is a shocker and many wonder if Malaysia is indeed a 3rd World Country.

But Mr. Fernandes seems blinded to how his customers view Malaysia through the LCCT airport as his main concern is his planes. And with AirAsia HQ now moving to Jakarta, there goes any hope of Malaysians seeing a better LCCT terminal in the future.

Read the whole story on Malaysiakini.

0 - 3

I hope this is not the type of results we'll constantly see in the upcoming season. We're Liverpool and we're supposed to win over teams like Hull!

Oh bummer. Read King Kenny's reaction here.

Excellent Report on Nigerian 419 Scam

An excellent ABC report on the infamous Nigerian 419 scams.

Shark Panics, jumps into Boat!

 

 

The next time you go fishing, be aware of panicking sharks. Read story here.

 

 

Friends

This was sent my an old friend....

How to Swim with a Shark

To all my colleagues who insist on deep sea scuba diving, hope this video helps.

3 Goals in so easily Liverpool?

When your favourite football team lets in 3 goals against a 3rd world soccer team, you begin to wonder what its chances are in the upcoming 2011-2012 season.

We All Start at the Bottom

It's good to be able to play some real chess after so many years. SO I have no qualms about starting at the bottom. Let's see how high I can climb. The field is a tough one though.

Borders Book Store Collapes

 

 

Apparently, borders bookstore is no more after the parent company in the United States filed for bankruptcy.

 

Check the story here.

 

 

 

Dont Blame Alcohol...

They say that alcohol kills people.
Well, lets not forget how many people were born because of it.

August 7, 2009

On August 7 , 2009

 

At 12hr 34 minutes and 56 seconds on the 7th of August of 2009, the time and date was

12:34:56 07/08/09

 

Finally, a decent computer at work!

 

 

Finally, a decent computer at work!

 

 

Judges...

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
--------------------------------------

From a defendant representing himself:
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly  stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
---------------------------------------

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
---------------------------------------

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
----------------------------------------

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
-----------------------------------------

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

 

 

Blondes!

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

File Sharing Sites Blocked in Malaysia

Malaysia today blocked file sharing sites to curb piracy of movies and songs downloaded from the Internet. But this still doesnt prevent file downloading via Bit Torents.

Layman's 10 Commandments

Someone has written these beautiful words. Must read and try to understand the deep meaning of it.
They are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time.
    
1. Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in  trouble, but it is a "steering wheel"  that directs the right path throughout.
 
 
2.  So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.
 
 
3.  Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
 
 
4. All things in life are temporary.  If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.
 
 
5. Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!
 
 
6.  Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!
 
 
7.  When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
 
 
8.  A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"  
 
 
9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.
 
 
10. WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.

Always Pay Your Bills.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story. .. .....Always pay your bills!

Material Data Sheet for Women

 

Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She  swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.  When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. 

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The  bad news is, Jim the patient you saved, hung Himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  Now... How soon can I go home?"

Dont Mess Around with Tree Roots

Today I learned not to mess around with tress roots. Because when they get mad, they slide into your pipes via the pipe joints and either break your pipe when they get bigger or simply clogged up your sewage system. And when this happens, whatever you flush down the toilet comes gurgling back to you. Trust me on this.

The plumber had spent half a day trying to get to the root of the problem. Tiles were removed, sand was dug out and pipes were cut through and the little machine you see in the picture was put to work. What it does is that it sends in a rotating spring, with a cutter right at the front. The machine rotates the spring one way, then the other. A rotating spring carries a lot of momentum. Put a sharp blade or cutting tool in the front of it and it can and will cut through most material that clog up your pipes.

Today was a good lesson in engineering.

How to Get Important Things Done.

"How can I get 7-8 hours of sleep when I'm with my kids from the moment I arrive home, and I need some time for myself before bed?"

"How can I find time to exercise when I have to get up early in the morning and I'm exhausted by the time I get home in the evening?"

"How can I possibly keep up when I get 200 emails a day?"

"When is there time to think reflectively and strategically?"

If you constantly ask yourself these questions, like how I usually do, then chew on this, The Only Way to Get Important Things Done.

How to Open Two Instances of Microsoft Excel 2010

If you're working with Office 2010, you'll quickly find out that you can open two Microsoft Word documents and compare them side by side.

But with Microsoft Excel, it's different. This is because Excel uses a single window method of arranging multiple documents.

The simple way I found to have two Excel documents open to compare is to go and click Start - Program Files - Microsoft Office - Excel to start up another instance of Excel. And then use the File - Open to open the Excel file that you wanted to compare side by side with.

Two software with two different behaviours. Enjoy.

How to Remove All the Stupid People in the World

I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world,  I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.

Newly Weds

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

Benefits of Going Late to Work

The benefits of going late to work - you miss an actual fire evacuation.

I Got a Lollipop...

...today for my flu vaccination.

Mr. Holland Opus

Last night my wife and I caught an old classic, Mr. Holland Opus on Foxtel HD. Although it was supposed to be shown in HD, I dont think it was. I wanted my wife to watch it since she never had. And we stayed up from midnight to 3.30 in the morning enjoying this beautiful film.

If you havent seen this picture, you should. Mr. Holland Opus was released in 1995. But yet its still one of the better films you'll ever watch. It's around 180 minutes viewing time but its a lovely show.

The story is a video biography of a music teacher for 30 years. What begun as career so that he can have some free time to compose music in the evening became a full time career. Ask any teacher and they will concur. A teacher is on duty 24/7. And thus, his dream of composing music was put on a back burner for 30 years when the school he was teaching in finally decided to can the music department because of budget cuts.

After 30 years of blood, sweat and tears, Mr. Holland Opus reluctantly retires. And while he mulls on his lost dream, he is gently reminded by his students that his dream lives on in everyone one of them. Watch the video below. This is the final scene in the movie when Mr. Holland Opus leaves the school for the last time.

Sacred Heart Church

This is the Sacred Heart Church in Highgate, Perth.

It's a magnificently old church located right in the heart of the city. Just look at the wooden ceiling - simply a magnificent piece of building.

I think the church has an Italian influence as many of the parishioners are Italians. This church is unique in the sense that it has a Blessed Sacrament room that is open 24/7.

Osama Bin Laden Dead.

Osama bin Laden dead?

President Obama to make statement soon. Read full story at ABC.

Body Language

A woman gets on a city bus.

She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.  The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me
if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.

Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark..."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, She replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Flowers

 

 

 

 

One thing's for sure. I have learned to appreciate flowers ever since I came to Perth. Why? Because the house I am renting has a huge garden. And its no easy task taking care of a garden.

So I am slightly impressed when I see neat lawns and tidy gardens these days. 

My parents would burst out laughing if they ever hear me speak like this. I hated gardening when I was back home in Malaysia. Gardening was for old retirees, I used to tell them. And look at me now.

God has a funny way of running this world.

By the way, these flowers are those of he Holy Family Catholic church in Como.

A Mayonnaise Jar and Two Beers....

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls..

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life..

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.....

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented..

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Introduction to Richard Feynman

I stumbled unto Richard Feynman when I skipped school one day when I doing my Form 6 in Maxwell and headed to the British Council library to look for a book on Physics. I stumbled upon his book, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! (Adventures of a Curious Character) (See all Biographies & Memoirs of Scientists) and was hooked on him ever since. I didnt know then that he was a genius. I have never met a genius. I have met smart people, everyone I know is smarter than me but this was a genius. Genius see things most people dont. This is Richard Feynman.



The videos below is Feynman's take on being able to understand all he hard stuff of physics...



Lastly, take the world from another point of view...its all about seeing the world from a new perspective.

A Trip Down South to Margaret River

It was the long Easter break and my wife and I decided to take our car for a spin down south to the famous region of Margaret River and Augusta. The ride there was as long as going from KL to Penang. But it was a lovely ride. Margaret River is a wonderful region. Here are some more pictures: http://www.kgomez.com/interesting/australia/margaret_river.php



 

Good Friday Procession Around Como

The Good Friday procession around the Holy Family Church in Como.




The procession was from 9 am to half past 10 this morning, followed by scones and coffee in the church. Reconciliation services were also provided by two priest in the church.

The 14 stations were spread out around the housing estate around the Holy Family Catholic church. Since it was a long weekend holiday, the roads were pretty much deserted. It was a very good turn out.

Even the little ones came for the procession. There were lots of children. It's nice to see the young ones attending mass. But will there still be there 20 years from now?

The procession ended back at the church where Father Aloysious ended the celebration by offering hot scones and coffee to all those who has fasted since morning.

Good Friday mass will be celebrated later at 3 pm today.

All the Priest in Western Australia

I never knew Western Australia has so many priest until I saw them at the Chrism mass last night at St. Mary's Cathedral.

This was their exit out of church at the end of the mass.

These are the men who gave up their dreams to follow Christ. My wife was telling me that instead of them going home to their own families, their out there ministering to the world, come rain or shine or snow.

Appreciate your priest.

Good Drivers Just Drive

Good drivers just drive.
Always, always pay attention on the road.

What To Do When You Find a Kid Lost in a Mall (or anywhere)?

These days, with all the kidnappings and lack of trust among people, its safe to practice the following when you find a missing child.

When you find the child, find the closest establishment and call the police from that place, and wait for the police to come.

Do not attempt to take the child to the police station by yourself. Even if you find the child in a crowded shopping mall, go to the nearest shop and ask them to call the mall security to the shop premise. It is safer this way than for someone to see you holding the child's hand and walking in the mall. In current times, no amount of explanation seems to satisfy others that you mean well.

So, for your own safety, it pays to be safe when helping others. There is no point in jeopardizing our own safety and well being when all we have is good intentions.

And the child, being young, cannot defend your actions. Children will believe whatever their parents say.

Are Women Really Smart?

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever.

Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop right here...right now...and continue feeling good about yourself.
Male readers: Please scroll down.









The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife






Moral of the story :

 Women are not really smart, they just think they are.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show...!

Australia's Smartest Women

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one.  The world needs me, I can't afford to die."  So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die."  She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ."  So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could.  I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President.  There's a parachute left for you.   Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

Brains of Britain

I got this from a good friend in the UK and these are real, for sure.



UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you




BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester




BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.




THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.



BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?




UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?



GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?



RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.




RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. ... ..

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er .. .....

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?




LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .




NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.




ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?




THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?




JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?




CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?




PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.




DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)  It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er... .... ..

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?




THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.




LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.




STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

Chess @ Work

Finally some chess games at work during lunch hour. Company sponsored the chess sets. But due to project demands, not everyone can make it to the weekly affair.

Observe the chess board. This is leadership in action when the King leaves the Castle behind to guard the castle (no pun intended) while he gallantly defends his territory!

A Wife's Dilemma...

 

What Goes Around, Comes Around.

His name was Fleming, and  he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while  trying to make a living for his family, he heard  a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He  dropped his tools and ran to the  bog.

There, mired to his waist in black  muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and  struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved  the lad from what could have been a slow and  terrifying death.

The next  day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the  Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly  dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced  himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming  had saved.

'I want to repay  you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's  life.'

'No, I can't accept  payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer  replied waving off the offer. At that moment,  the farmer's own son came to the door of the  family hovel.

'Is that your  son?' the nobleman  asked.

'Yes,' the farmer  replied proudly.

'I'll make  you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of  education my own son will enjoy If the lad is  anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to  be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he  did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the  very best schools and in time, graduated from  St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London,  and went on to become known throughout the world  as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the  discoverer of  Penicillin.

Years afterward,  the same nobleman's son who was saved from the  bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What  saved his life this time?  Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman?  Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's  name?

Sir Winston  Churchill.

Someone once said: What  goes around comes around.

How Are You Feeling?

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Life’s Big Conundrums

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

10- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left before we met.

11- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

12- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

13- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

14- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

16- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

17- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

19- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

20- Why do psychics have to ask your name?

21- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

22- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

23- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

24- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Funny...

 

A Ticket for Wasting Food!

Germany is a highly industrialized country. It produces top brands like Benz, BMW, Simons etc. The nuclear reactor pump is made in a small town in this country. In such a country, many will think its people leads a luxurious life. At least that was my impression before my study trip.

When I arrived at Hamburg , my colleagues who work in Hamburg arranged a welcome party for me in a restaurant. As we walked into the restaurant, we noticed that a lot of tables were empty. There was a table where a young couple was having their meal. There were only two dishes and two cans of beer on the table. I wondered if such simple meal could be romantic, and whether the girl will leave this stingy guy.

There were a few old ladies on another table. When a dish is served, the waiter would distribute the food for them, and they would finish every bit of the food on their plates.

We did not pay much attention to them, as we were looking forward to the dishes we ordered. As we were hungry, our local colleague ordered more food for us.

As the restaurant was quiet, the food came quite fast. Since there were other activities arranged for us, we did not spend much time dining. When we left, there were still about one third of unconsumed food on the table.

When we were leaving the restaurant, we heard someone calling us. We noticed the old ladies in the restaurant were talking about us to the restaurant owner. When they spoke to us in English, we understood that they were unhappy about us wasting so much food. We immediately felt that they were really being too busybody.

"We paid for our food, it is none of your business how much food we left behind," my colleague Gui told the old ladies.

The old ladies were furious. One of them immediately took her hand phone out and made a call to someone. After a while, a man in uniform claimed to be an officer from the Social Security organization arrived. Upon knowing what the dispute was, he issued us a 50 Mark
fine.

We all kept quiet. The local colleague took out a 50 Mark note and repeatedly apologized to the officer.

The officer told us in a stern voice, "ORDER WHAT YOU CAN CONSUME, MONEY IS YOURS BUT RESOURCES BELONG TO THE SOCIETY. THERE ARE MANY OTHERS IN THE WORLD WHO ARE FACING SHORTAGE OF RESOURCES. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO WASTE RESOURCES."

Our face turned red. We all agreed with him in our hearts. The mindset of people of this rich country put all of us to shame. WE REALLY NEED TO REFLECT ON THIS. We are from a country which is not very rich in resources.

To save face, we order large quantity and also waste food when we give others a treat. THIS LESSON TAUGHT US A LESSON TO THINK SERIOUSLY ABOUT CHANGING OUR BAD HABITS.

My colleague photostatted the fine ticket and gave a copy to each of us as a souvenir. All of us kept it and pasted on our wall to remind us that we shall never be wasteful.

Hitmen

Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee, a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured "sure, why not," as they haven't played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.

The stranger said "No really, I'm hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don't believe me, I've never been dishonest."

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?"  "Sure," said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said "HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too! And he's in my room!"

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He's looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he's waiting for.

The hitman replies kind of anxiously, "Just hold on a minute... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

Marriage...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

 


The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!


If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Batman, what's For Dinner?

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.  

After a few days, they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long." 

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."  

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

A Lighter Side of Life...

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair
before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there
with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all
of us had to do our own thinking."

Pay Attention

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.

“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.  “Now do the same,” he instructs. 

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it. 

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”

How To Escape a Speeding Ticket

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...
" I am having such a wonderful time!  Wish you were her "
 
The trial begins on Monday.

Early to Work

It's good to be early to work.

I went for being constantly late to work at my old workplace to being on time, always, at my new workplace to being early to work, as in an hour earlier than the rest, only to find 2 managers busy at work already.

I find myself more productive during the early hours in the morning or late hours in evening when everyone has yet to come in or has left for the day. Less chatter simple means more productivity, unless of course I have my headphones plugged in, then its more bearable.

Work well people.

What Are You Willing to Give Up?

Yesterday during Mass, Father Aloysious Leong of the Holy Family Catholic Church here in Como, told us of an incident where he was asking a class of young children about giving up something they liked doing during the season of Lent.

The purpose of giving up an indulgence was to instill in us the feeling of not having something we cherish, in the hope we will think of the unfortunate people around us.

And children, being children, had lots of things to say but the icing on the cake was a 5-year old boy who said, "Father, I like going to school. Can I give up going to school for the next 40 days?"

Father went home.

IE6: Are You One Of Them?

Are you one of the few remaining users of Microsoft's Internet 6 (IE6)?

Microsoft, in its endeavour to move users to Win7, is phasing out the age old, bug infested IE6. They even went to the extent of putting up an interactive website showing the remaining users of IE6 and their location, country wise. China heads the list with 36%.

Are you one of them?

If you are, download Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome. Its much better, safer and faster!

5-Minutes Management Lessons

Management Course 

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
 
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
 
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor
 
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
 
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves..
 
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
 
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
 
'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
 
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
 

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
 
The priest nearly had an accident.

After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
 
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
 
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
 
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
 
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
 
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
 
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
 
Puff! She's gone.
 
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
 
Puff! He's gone.
 
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
 
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
 
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
 
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
 
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
 
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
 
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
 
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
 
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
 
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch
 
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
 
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
 
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
 
 
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
 
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him..
 
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
 
The dung was actually thawing him out!
 
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
 
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
 
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
 
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Never Ask a Pharmacists for ...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her botfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about sex and condoms.

At the counter the pharmacist asked how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack."Im really going to give it to this girl" the boy tells the pharmacist."I intend on going for hours" The pharmacist,with a laugh, suggests the family pack,saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the gikrls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door."I am so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in" The boy goes inside and is takento the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still in deep prayer.10 minutes pass with no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and wispers to the boyfriend "I had no idea you were so religious" to which he replied" I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!!"

How To Remove All The Stupid People From the World

Just remove all the warning labels from all merchandise sold. That should weed out the dumb from the wise.

The Master and His Pupils

All I know about the art and science of lateral buckling, I learned from the Godfather and his protege (the camera man - not in pic). Chief, as he is known in the office, took me into the Oil and Gas field for the Kikeh project in 2006. I spent 4 years learning from him and his protege before embarking on a new chapter in Perth.

Thank you Chief, thank you KK.

All I know about Gardening...

... I learned from my parish priest.

Apart from blessing our house and car this evening, Father Aloysious Leong also spent some time giving us tips on maintaining our garden. I couldnt distinguish between a weed and a blade of grass, but he quickly pointed out the weeds from the grass.

Feed and Weed, that's what I'm supposed to be getting - to feed the grass and kill the weeds.

Thank you Father.

Why People Criticize You...

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you."

—Zig Ziglar
 

If there's a Will,...

... then someone's dead.

What's The Difference Between COMPLETE and FINISHED?

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED....

 

But there is.

 

 

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...COMPLETELY FINISHED