Weekend Jokes

Liar
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom!"

 

Three Feelings
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Chinese Adam & Eve
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the SNAKE.

 

Three pastors were discussing, one said his problem is stealing, he can not stop stealing from the church’s money and if his church members find out, it would be disastrous. The second pastor said his own problem is adultery, he had slept with almost every woman in the church both married and unmarried. His church members must not find out. The third pastor said his problem is that he can not do without gossiping, and everybody must know what he just found out.
He then excused himself and immediately the other two pastors fainted.

 

To surprise her husband an executive’s wife decided to stop by his office. On entering the office, she saw the secretary on her husband’s laps. In order to defend himself the husband said  “budget cut or no budget cut management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat!”

 

Three guys were gisting at a beer parlour. The first guy said when my wife was pregnant she was reading a book; a tale of two cities and she gave birth to twins. The second said his wife was reading the three musketeers and she gave birth to triplets. The third guy dropped his beer bottle and started running home. When they got to his house they saw him burning a book and they asked why. He said his wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty thieves and she is pregnant……not in this house ……it can not happen!

What Stress Does To You

One day, a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted, “John, your daughter, Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building”.

The gentleman was in panic.

Not knowing what  to do, he jumped out through his office window.

While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor, he remembered he does not have a daughter named Anna.

When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet.

When he was about to hit the ground, he remembered he was not John!

This is what stress does. Take things easy and relax as much as you can. It is not all about work! Work! Work! Work.
 

Difference
A man went to face an interviewer.

Board of Directors asked him, “Tell the difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISH”.

The man replied, I am clarifying with the example, “When u marry a right person you are “Complete” and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finish (ed)”.

Why is the driver scared?
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years…..