What a Vacuum!

 

Time to go to my Second Home

Ah, its time to stuff myself into a cramped seat and fly to my second home.

Instead of AirAsia, we're flying Qantas this time around. There's a difference between flying like a herd on AirAsia and flying decently on a full fledged airline.

One hour stop over at Singapore and we're off to Perth. We're scheduled to reach Perth in the wee hours of Sunday morning.

Old Timer SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Happy 2012

Yup, it's another year.

2012

This is the time lots of people sign up for their yearly gym membership and then stop going to the gym after the first two months. Gym's love people like this. Which is why I dont go to the gyms. I sleep.

Lets try to make this year better than 2011 was.

Personal victories are better than competing with the Jones.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

Sweaty Malaysia

As the plan flew over Johor Baru from Singapore, I was delighted to see the brightly lit city of Johor and the lights of the smaller towns surrounding it. Makes me think this is a beautiful country indeed.

Couldn't see much of Kuala Lumpur as we landed because of the cloud cover but its a bristling city nevertheless.

It's good to be home.

Time for some Spicy, Malaysian Food.

It's time to make my bi-annual pilgrimage home to visit the loved and not so loved ones.
I just hope I can fit into the plan seat.

100 Year Wave

In subsea pipeline analysis, engineers design pipeline and subsea and topside structures to withstand extreme wave conditions the ocean throws at it.

For short durations, engineers analyse what is called a 10-year wave. For longer durations, we typically analyze 100 year wave and in cyclonic regions, there's the 10,000 year wave analysis.

This is a platform in the middle of the ocean being hit, last week, with a 100-year wave. Remember that this platform is perched around 10 meters from the ocean surface. And if you look closely, you can see several cabins below the water line.

Unlike the water we use at home, in the ocean, when large groups of water move, they have Inertia. And these inertia's are enough to destroy structures like the one seen in the picture if these structures aren't heavily reinforced.

Never take lightly the forces of Mother Nature.

This is how it feels like to be on the platform in the middle of the ocean when Mother Nature unleashes her fury.

 

And this is how a huge ocean liner gets rocked about and nearly tips over when confronted with these huge

waves.

  .

Why do People Still Swim in Australia if there's Shark Attacks?

 

I asked my colleagues on why Australians still swim deep in the ocean when their numerous reports on shark attacks.

Their reply - It wont bite me.

Australians think that the chances of them being bitten by a shark is the same as their chance of being killed in an airplane.

This is a country that has acoustic chark bracelets for swimmers to ward off sharks. But because of their high price, not many people bother to wear one. So most swimmers swim with no defense at all against these giant predators.

I was also told of the following:

- Dont be the first to go into the water.
- Keep away from the water during sunrise and sunset - this is when the chances of you resembling a seal entering into the water is the highest.
- Shark looks for groups of seal swimming together. So never swim with a school of seals of fish, you risk being mistake for one of them

There ladies and gentlement, tips to help avoid being eaten by sharks in Australia.

 

 

How's This for Stupidity from PayPal?

Does PayPal hire stupid people in their company or do they have a legitimate defense?

 

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-57337945-71/how-paypal-beat-communists-and-civil-servants-at-logic/

 

 

The Earth Moves...

I came across this website when I was searching for GPS coordinates. I didnt realise that the Earth's crust movement was so significant.

Paddy's Birthday

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

 

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

 

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boatand nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

 

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

 

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya f@@kin idiot!"

 

 

Bon Voyage Ruth

It's about time you followed your destiny and be appreciated by your peers.

You've always been one of the brightest and Malaysia loses one more fine engineer. It's their loss they didnt appreciate you.

Good luck my dear. May the Force be with you.

Screw Him, Give Him a Dollar

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Humour

Basic, all-purpose diet for long life and good health:
If it tastes good, spit it out.

An Oil Rig off Cottesloe Beach?

Recently I was sent for a course in subsea technology at UWA and as part of our project, we were supposed to design a subsea production system for the abandoned Nexus oilfield off the coast of Rottnest Island.

In Western Australia, the environmentalist and the public has a very strong say in offshore drilling operations. While the public seems ignorant to the fact that all oil and gas comes from offshore, they insist on un-interruptable supply of oil and gas anyway.

So to satisfy the people and the government and all the grumpy people out there, my team opted for a subsea pipeline from the field to Freemantle and off to the Kwinana Refinary. Other teams in the project opted for the FPSO route, afraid of the public backlash and scrutiny if they brought in a pipeline to shore.

All these while we were told that the general public in Perth despises seeing an oil rig on the horizon because they don't want their view of the ocean spoilt but lo and behold, a rig's out there.

Their coming......  as whispered by Kevin Mullen.

P.S. Shaky video due to the strong winds trying to snatch my tiny Sony camera from my hands.

P.S. If you're still reading this, then check out the same picture of the rig, taken with a 400mm zoom lense, right from Cottesloe Beach.

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?hl=en&gbv=2&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=7141l13031l0l14797l13l11l0l0l0l0l1594l1594l8-1l1l0&q=cache:ahEyntEsY3MJ:http://www.ausphotography.net.au/forum/showthread.php?95188-Oil-Rig-Stena-Clyde+%22stena+clyde%22&ct=clnk

I really need a new camera!

Senior Moments

At 60 years of age, Joey married Suzie, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Suzie decides that after their wedding she and Joey should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Susie prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Joey, her 60 year old groom, ready for action..

They unite as one.
All goes well, Joey takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Suzie hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Joey.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'
Somewhat surprised, Susie consents for more coupling..
When the newlyweds are done, Joey kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it...... Joey is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Joey gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Joey.'

Joey, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Suzie and says,
'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

Humour

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

George Carlin's Reflections on Life

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
 
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
 
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
 
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
 
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
 
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
 
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
 
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
 
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
 
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
 
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
 
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
 
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"
 
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

 

Humour

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller