Top 10 funniest jokes (allegedly) from this year's Edinburgh Festival

1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.”

4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ...”

5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.”

6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.”

Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø    If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø    War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Apparently my desk is a work station.

Ø   I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

Ø    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip

Ø    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31 
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13 
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30 
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10 
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit..
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15 
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 
- This wind is a bastard..
It feels like a giant blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.

November 8 
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to throttle him.
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my  clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat.
This place is the end of the Earth.

November 9 
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my backside was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my bum.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried bum and baked cat.


November 10 
-- The Weather report might as well be a recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and sunny.
It never changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the pool.
The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20 
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the car up his rear end.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Damn Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here!

December 1 
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are kidding me!

Testing a Cruise Missile

This is how you test a cruise missile!

Humour

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

Preacher's Son

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Never Ending Story

This video clip will definitely show my age but this is one of my favourites...

Customer Complaints!

A man carrying 6 babies got on a train. 


A lady sitting next to him asked, "Are these your Babies?"


"No, I'm a condom salesman & these are my customer complaints!"

A Health Message

 

 

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

 

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

 

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

 

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years.

 

 

AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!

 

 

Was Einstein Wrong? We can travel faster than Light!

Can we travel faster than light?

 

NO says Einstein. 

 

YES says Cern.

 

Read it here.

How I learned to mind my own business

This is dedicated to all those who slow down to watch an accident on the road. I hope this happens to you too!

 

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

 

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

 

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

 

 

 

Making Money the 'Old Lady' Way

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, “$165,000?. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, “What kind of bets?”

The elderly woman replied, “Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.”

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, “Would you like to take my bet?”

“Certainly”, replied the president. “I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.”

“Done”, the elderly woman answered. “But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.”

“No problem”, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next mornin g at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. “Of course”, said the president. “Given the amount of money involved , you should be 100% sure.”

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, “Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!”

Humour

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

How Not to take a Penalty Kick

I guess this is one penalty taker that wont attempt this again.

How Hackers are Stealing Company Information via Email

 

 

How's this for stealing company information via email? All this happens when one part uses the wrong email address. A third party intercepts it, reads the information, then forwards it to the original recipient after modifying slightly the return address. The third arty, then receives the reply, reads it and then sends it along to the original sender. The loop repeats.

 

Moral of the story: always double confirm your recipients email address. Read the whole story here.

 

 

Joke: 5 Rules of Life

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then again, neither does milk

Humour

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

1 DEK 739 - Reckless WA Driver

This morning on the way to work I came across my first reckless WA driver.

1 DEK 739 went from the middle lane of a 5-lane highway to the left most lane at one go, nearly taking the front of my car off in the process.

Understandably he/she was driving a huge SUV, but even then, dont they teach Western Australians to look carefully before making a turn!

 For a lack of a better word, I dont think the driver of 1 DEK 739 is one of the brightest people in WA.

For Sale: Military Ship

If you ever wanted to buy a military ship, well this is your chance.

The Australian navy is having a fire sale, their biggest since World War II, and selling off about 24 navy ships and other military assets to fund the purchase of new equipment.

A short list of the items to be sold:

• up to 24 ships;
• up to 70 combat aircraft;
• up to 110 other aircraft;
• up to 120 helicopters;
• up to 600 armoured vehicles;
• up to 12,000 other vehicles; and
• a range of communications systems, weapons and explosive ordnance.

These items are not available over the counter. Buy them here.

Why You Shouldnt Buy a Virtual Cow? Closing Down of Online Game Sites.

I didnt realise that lost of people spend REAL money to buy VIRTUAL goods in online games. Duh!

 

But what happens when the game shuts down. What then happens to all the money you've spent?

 

Read the story here.