Misspelt Name

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

7 Billion People

7 Billion

In 16 hours time, the 7th billion person will be born in this planet.

We reached 6 billion people on July 22, 1999. And now, 12 years later, we're adding the 1 billionth person since then.

The 8th billion person is expected to be born in the year 2027 and the 9th billion in 2046.

We're adding 75 million people a year or 1.12% growth.

Heat map below shows where the most populous growth of people are.

Check out the live numbers as it happens at World Population Meter.

Fateful Dreams

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

 

 

Joke: God and Me Are Tight

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

How to Know if an Old Person Should be put in a Home?

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

 

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No" he said. "A normal person! would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

Dont Mess with Old Dogs...

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat… Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says… “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”


Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs…
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Humour

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

Best ASS

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again. The local paper read: PRIEST’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.


——————————————————–

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

The Camera of the Future.

Just like how the iPhone revolutionised the mobile phone industry, the camera industry will start seeing some amazing changes soon. Watch this.

Concept Camera: The WVIL from Artefact on Vimeo.

A Modest Jew.

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

"I'm not selling!!!..."

 

 

Another New 1000+M Skyscraper In Jeddah, Saudi Arabia

 

 

Adrian Smith + Gordon Gill Architecture designed The Kingdom Tower, to be the world's tallest building about 1000+m, in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, near the Red Sea.

Supertall building experts Adrian Smith + Gordon Gill are to complete the design for a stunning new tower to anchor the proposed $20bn Kingdom City masterplanning project in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. The firm carefully quashed internet rumours that they were working on a 'mile-high' tower, yet did not deny involvement in the Kingdom Tower scheme. This morning His Royal Highness Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Bin Abdulaziz Alsaud, nephew of Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah and chairman of Kingdom Holding Company officially announced AS+GG as design architects of the project to awaiting media.

Reassuringly elegant for a tower of such epic proportions the completed Kingdom Tower will soar at over 1000m (at least 173m taller than the Burj Khalifa which currently holds the title of the world's tallest building) with a total construction area of 530,000 sq m the structure is being touted as a new marker of Jeddah's importance as a gateway to the city of Mecca and has been directly inspired by the folded fronds of a young desert plant. Adrian Smith details: With its slender, subtly asymmetrical massing, the tower evokes a bundle of leaves shooting up from the ground a burst of new life that heralds more growth all around it.

Smith's partner Gordon Gill continues: The way the fronds sprout upward from the ground as a single form, then start separating from each other at the top, is an analogy of the new growth fused with technology. The graceful needle is also designed to symbolise the city of Jeddah as an economic power and cultural leader, with a focus on the 'strength and creative vision of its people'.

Aside from the initial 'wow-factor' of the building's statistics, AS+GG have been applauded for their sensitive design aesthetic. Talal Al Maiman, Executive Director, Development and Domestic Investments, a Board member of Kingdom Holding Company and a board member of JEC commented: Prince Alwaleed, Mr. Bakhsh, Mr. Sharbatly and I were impressed by the boldness and simplicity of the AS+GG design. Kingdom Tower's height is remarkable, obviously, but the building's iconic status will not depend solely on that aspect. Its form is brilliantly sculpted, making it quite simply one of the most beautiful buildings in the world of any height.

Encased in the new spire's glimmering façade will be a Four Seasons hotel, Four Seasons serviced apartments, Class A office Space, luxury condominiums and the world's highest observatory. 59 elevators using the world's most high-tech systems will be installed to provide ease of access, with 54 single-deck and 5 double-deck systems. The residential aspect has influenced the three-petal footprint of the design with tapering wings introducing an aerodynamic shape to reduce structural loading due to wind vortex shedding. All three sides of the Kingdom Tower sport a series of notches which form specifically engineered areas of shadow designed to fall on the outdoor terraces facing the city and Red Sea.

AS+GG is leading an interdisciplinary design team that also includes building services engineering consultants Environmental Systems Design, Inc. (ESD) and structural engineering consultants Thornton Tomasetti. The developer of Kingdom City, Jeddah Economic Company (JEC), selected the AS+GG scheme after a lengthy competition process in which SOM, Pickard Chilton, Kohn Pedersen Fox, Pelli Clarke Pelli and Foster + Partners also participated.

 

Humour

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Whale Visits ROV Operator During Subsea Work

Humour

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Alex Levine

Humour

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The Difference in Friendship Between Men and Women

Friendship Between Women

 

A women didnt come home one night.

The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

 

Friendship Between Men

 

A man didnt come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at his friend's place.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there!

 

 

Top 10 funniest jokes (allegedly) from this year's Edinburgh Festival

1. Nick Helm – “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I'm taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.”

4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ...”

5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.”

6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.”