Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Chinese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Chinese accent asked 'You sell what?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Chinaman said,
'You doing velly well, only last two left!'
Monday, March 30, 2009
Memo Regarding Office Rules
MEMO
To all Employees:
Effective January 2009
Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not needs a pay rise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Human Resources
MANAGEMENT
To all Employees:
Effective January 2009
Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not needs a pay rise.
2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Human Resources
MANAGEMENT
Why Are These Children Buried Alive?
In the Amazon jungle, children are still being buried alive for disobedience.
What will you do about this?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Laugh: Failure and Terror!
Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you...
It's only when you leave her a virgin.
Tension is when the wife is pregnant!
Terror is when the girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when the both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you’re not responsible for both!
Laugh: Women, Love & Sex
Why is it that a girl looks down when you say “I love You”?
To see if you really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you’ll have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have what he calls-olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.
Laugh: Screwed Twice
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
Joke: Breast Awareness Week
This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
Laugh: Wives
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Laugh: Blue Whale
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted Salty?!
Free Book On Cancer
Dr Chris Teo is the Botanist turned Herbalist of CaCare (PENANG) who wrote the forward to my friend Betty L.Kingsley's book Cancer Cured Naturally.
He is so SICK + TIRED of patients being told HALF TRUTHS by the Medical Establishment that he has written this new book (his
15th on Cancer) and invites anyone who is interested to download for FREE.
Free download
Click this link: http://www.bookoncancer.com/productDetail.php?P_Id=46
Where Did The Deer Go?
Driving on the autobahn in Germany at 320 kph in his BMW M650i convertible, the driver hit a deer...
The driver stopped and wondered where did the deer go........???
For all you deer hunters, this is how you pack a large portion of a 150lb deer into a BMW 650i convertible .... or is powered by a deer compressor?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Group Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother (Mary) he said, "You are obsessed with eating - you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom (Ann), "Your obsession is with money - again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom (Joyce): "Your obsession is alcohol - this too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Willy from school and get dinner."
Tan Sri Yeoh Tiong Lay's awesome bungalow @ Damansara Heights
This awesome bungalow in Damansara Hts belongs to Tan Sri Yeoh Tiong Lay.
Completed in the latter part of 2008, the residence is the ultimate expression of the taste, influence and industrial-scale capabilities of the prominent family whose entrepreneurial activities have shaped Kuala Lumpur's skyline.
Three generations of the family inhabit the 3,000 square-meter residence designed to accommodate both private and public functions.
The building includes nine bedrooms, two family rooms, a family kitchen and a private dining area, a family library, a game room, a study, a public reception area, a formal dining room,an ballroom, chapel, 21 bathrooms, a swimming pool, two guest suites plus indoor private and guest parking.
The initial sketches exploring the owners' usage requirements reveal resemblances to the boring stacked-boxes look still so ubiquitous in residential architecture. And while traces of the "heaped trailers" syndrome remain in the finished building, this is not the Jetsons, neither are we looking at EPCOT, Tomorrowland or the 1964 New York World's Fair.
We are in the lush vegetation of a posh Kuala Lumpur residential area, and in spite of the boxiness of the structure, an elegant circular softness manages to permeate the sightlines and key details of the building, making it an agreeable part of its landscape.
Inside, prominent examples of this curvilinear elegance include the amazing staircases resembling the inside of a shell when viewed from above, and the round ballroom chandelier of 13,000 custom-designed undulating petals of unglazed cast porcelain biscuit.
The curved walls both inside and out have a functional purpose of providing privacy and enclosing each function gently in its own space. The overall sweeping feel inside the spaces invites the viewer in and creates soft, arching vistas.
The concept consists of three layers:
- the base for public functions,
- the ring for guests &
- the private house for the family.
The inside of the magnificent residence is gorgeous with its high ceilings, large windows and abundance of light. White color and natural wood are dominant elements but they allow the view from the vast, mostly retractable, windows to remain the main visual attraction.
The residence is also a wonderful study of contrasts between inside and outside, private and public, traditional and ultra modern, man-made and natural.
YTL Design Group of Kuala Lumpur , Malaysia , was the architect of record. The Agence Jouin Manku design team included Patrick Jouin, Sanjit Manku, Yann Brossier(architect), Richard Perron(designer). Officina del Paesaggio from Lugano , Switzerland was in charge of the landscape design, and L'Observatoire, New York , USA handled the lighting. - Tuija Seipell
Friday, March 20, 2009
Be Grateful For What You Have
I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of 57 years was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.
He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.
He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.
Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.
Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.
Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.
She saw me watching her and she smiled. 'My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.'
I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.
'My husband passed away eight days ago,' I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. 'Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.'
She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.
I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I shoul d buy. A Quart, I finally decid ed and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.
I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile! I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.
As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. 'These are for you,' she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. 'When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for.' She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.
I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wra pping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seem ed so clear. I wasn't alone.
Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.
Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
(Please read all of this, it is really nice)
This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to your friends, including the person that sent it to you.
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible. Thank you, Lord , that I can see. Many are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks ar e lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.
Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced.
Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest. Thank you, Lord, for life.
Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make this world a better place to live, right? A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift.. A friend is someone to treasure.
For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.
YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.
He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.
Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two.
Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.
Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.
She saw me watching her and she smiled. 'My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know.'
I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes.
'My husband passed away eight days ago,' I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. 'Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together.'
She shook her head and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.
I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I shoul d buy. A Quart, I finally decid ed and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.
I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me. In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile! I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.
As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. 'These are for you,' she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. 'When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for.' She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.
I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wra pping and found it almost unreal. How did she know? Suddenly the answer seem ed so clear. I wasn't alone.
Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.
Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.
(Please read all of this, it is really nice)
This is a simple request. If you appreciate life, send this to your friends, including the person that sent it to you.
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings. Thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible. Thank you, Lord , that I can see. Many are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising. Thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks ar e lost, toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are so loud.
Thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the picture in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced.
Thank you, Lord, for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job often is monotonous. Thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.
Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest. Thank you, Lord, for life.
Pass this on to the friends you know. It might help a bit to make this world a better place to live, right? A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift.. A friend is someone to treasure.
For friendship is a gift. A friend is someone who fills our lives with Beauty, Joy and Grace and makes the world we live in a better and happier place.
YOU ARE MY FRIEND!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Working in the Oil Industry
Working in the Oil Industry.... ......... ......... .....
When I try to explain to people exactly what I do in my job, it's sometimes difficult to get them to understand.
This may put it in a way that makes it easier to grasp.
1. We work in weird shifts ... Check!.
2. They pay you to make the client happy ... Check!.
3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny ... Check!.
4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams ... Check!.
5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you ... Check!.
6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed ... Check!.
7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back from hell ... Check!.
8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you ... Check!.
9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to explain it ... Check!.
10. Every day when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS SHIT'..... Check!.
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!
Image via Wikipedia
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3)From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS
1)How long did the Hundred Years War last?116 years
2)Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador
3)From which animal do we get cat gut?Sheep and Horses
4)In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November
5)What is a camel's hair brush made of?Squirrel fur
6)The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?Dogs
7)What was King George VI's first name?Albert
8)What color is a purple finch?Crimson
9)Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10)What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of
course!)
What do you mean, you failed?!!
Me, too...!!!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lied!)
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Cherry Blossom, Now in Penang, Not Only in Japan
The Cheery Blosson tree, supposedly only found in Japan, can now be found in Penang, Malaysia.
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